Adoption Community

I am learning SOOOO much about families and relationships through the adoption community. It seems like adoptive moms these days reach out for one another to share the joys, the trials, the heartaches, etc., just about every aspect of their lives with their children whether biological or adopted. It's a very large community with first time parents, older parents, single moms, and even mixed race parents as well as non-white parents. We would be considered in the grouping of non-white adoptive parents since Mike and I are both Korean.

What I know to be true is that all these people became a family because they really wanted children. So the one thing they never seem to take for granted is the love they have for their children. They profess openly and generously every chance they get. They count their blessings and joyfully express gratitude for the chance to be parents of small children. I recharge each time I read a blog or a message board that expresses these sentiments.

T is now 2 years and 2 months old. He's been home 1 year and 4 months. He knows I am his mommy and lost all recollections of his previous life with his foster mom. It was different when he first came home. He knew I was unfamiliar, different, something not right. He cried for no reason much of the time, and whined incessantly. He woke up crying at night unconsolable. He also had an extreme clingy stage but rejected the affection when offered. He was truly an enigma the first 9 months home. We sought the expert advice of an attachment specialist and received some good strategies. One of those was to ensure that he knew we, as his parents, were always in charge. That he understands the control belongs to us, and we would know how to keep him safe and secure.

I thought this was important because for a long time, we were trying to appease him and give him control over what he wanted and when he wanted them, but the irony was that he never followed through on his requests. For example, he would ask for milk and we would give him milk which he would toss aside as soon as he got it. Same with a toy, or snacks, or anything else for that matter. So we changed gears after the therapist session. We gave him milk when it was time, left all the toys out for him to play, and those he requested which were out of reach for a reason, were denied.

This taught him boundaries, the concept of yes or no, and helped mold his behaviour to certain expectations. As a toddler, you'd think they have no concept of this but I assure you this is an important part of teaching a child who may very well have attachment issues that he can function well within a set of limits tailored to his needs, feel safe and secure (meaning fed, not hungry, out of danger, etc.), and interact with the rest of the family in a loving, affectionate way. And as he builds on his developmental milestones, his abilities, his responsiveness, we slowly let loose the reigns and give him more independence.

As Dennis Miller put it, "ration the freedom while encouraging independence..."

Cinderella Man

Watched Russell Crowe as Jim Braddock, the Heavyweight World Champion of boxing. Compelling story...good cast with thought provoking lines. For example, when Jim's sponsor warns him of his next contender and how he has a history of killing two of his opponents, Braddock says, "What are you trying to say? That boxing is dangerous? Working on the docks or on a scaffold can take a man's life just as easily. But you rich men haven't found a way to make money off of that yet".

Why are most boxers from poor backgrounds who have led lives as scrappy punks on the streets? My ex-boyfriend from college...he was a West Point cadet, from a very poor background, and boxed as his extracurricular activity. He was buffed and nicely cut from the sport itself but the fact that he awoke at 4:30am each morning to do PT was probably why he was in the best shape. Really nice, kind-hearted guy. Would drop everything to help someone in need. A bit naive in the social arena, lacks charisma and snappy comebacks but a very decent guy indeed.

We got in touch last year and he sought forgiveness for breaking up with me. He said the guilt festered and he could not come to terms with letting our families down but most of all letting me down. I told him with tears in my eyes, "You need to let it go! In fact, I should thank you for our relationship's end. I'm happily married to a superb man. And while it hurt for a long time after us, I grew a lot from it. I needed to have that experience to humble me a bit. And I am where I am now if it weren't for that..."

Hindsight is 20/20. And I'm so thankful that my path crossed with many wonderful people who helped me grow as a human being.

The World Wide Web of Woops!

So Fiona wakes me up at 1am to let her out. I'm guessing she really had to go since her last outing was at 4pm. So I get out of bed and let her out. She doesn't come right back after doing her business. Instead she is off sniffing every square inch of the backyard to see if a squirrel, cat, field mouse or deer has trespassed through her territory. So I find myself in a sleepy stupor going on the internet only to realize I needed to pay my Amex bill.

I make a payment. Only...I forget to update the bank account from which the money needs to be withdrawn. So it is paid at 1am this morning from an account that will have insufficient funds. Oi! I quickly update the routing and account numbers of the intended bank hoping it will go through before they begin processing the debit.

I call Amex customer service this morning to make sure that what I did at 1am while waiting for my dog to come inside from her walk is okay. It is not. The first account is the one where the money will be withdrawn from and if it bounces, it will try again 2 more times. Oi! So I quickly call my local bank to see if I can wire the amount of the bill to my internet bank. It'll cost me $20 unless I upgrade my account to Platinum Plus Checking. I asked her to do so.

I then drag two sleepy naptime ready toddlers down to the bank to initiate the wire transfer only to find out it won't post until Monday since it's Friday afternoon west coast (closed on the east). I return home and call Amex customer service to let them know what happened and they assured me I would be charged $30 for insufficient funds but I can call back when it shows up to ask for a courtesy waive since I am an upstanding Amex customer of 10 years.

REPEAT: I will never ever pay bills at 1am while waiting for a dog to return from a potty run. Damn you, Fiona, you are the bane of my existence.

Back to the grind...

After a week of driving around the tri-state area with two senior citizens and two toddlers I am thrilled to be back in my original domain. What a trip! My in-laws are the most generous, thoughtful, loving people. They love the kids and I know they love me very much. But I dare anyone to take the challenge of chauffering the generation above and generation below around the traffic of NYC.

We dined at all the prime restaurants and ate like kings. I'm really scared to step on the scale for fear of having to acknowledge the inevitable weight gain. H&T loved every minute of traveling. The only parts that were difficult to endure were the long waits on the tarmac as we awaited take off. Once the plane was airborne, they seemed to enjoy the whole 5.5 hours of the ride.

Just one thing on the in-laws, my MIL sure loves to give unsolicited advice. It feels like such a waste of time and energy having to mindlessly nod in agreement even if I don't plan on following any of her suggestions. And my FIL is borderline anal retentive about everything! He has to do certain things his way or not at all. There were moments when I thought I would scream.

But we're all home now and back in the grind. It'll probably be next week before we are adjusted back to the west coast time zone. We had a grand time and shed some tears as we said our good-byes. It'll be another few months before we see them again.

Stroller free toddlers

So we didn't bring the strollers on our trip to NYC this time. Instead, we found ourselves barking directives at two speech-delayed toddlers about where to wait, when to start walking, being careful on the escalators, moving sidewalks, baggage carousels, airtrains, elevators and rental car parking garages. Whew!

Mike's woofing stressed out H so much she threw down her stuffed animal cheetah and Thomas suitcase inside the elevator that was taking us to the airtrain. He then picked up the cheetah and threw it right back at her and barked, "I don't have time for your tantrums right now!!" That did it. She proceeded to cry, hyperventilate, cough, and couldn't stop.

It makes me wonder why some adults are equipped with more patience and tolerance than others? Doesn't he know that he's teaching her to be impatient and intolerant when she faces a similar situation in her future? He is giving her persmission to act out and act like a child when the situation calls upon her to be the adult and exercise more patience. It really hurt me to see them like that.

Are Men Really Necessary??

I'm reading this book by Maureen Dowd, a New York Times columnist. She is a walking encyclopedia of all articles, surveys, statistics, studies, findings that once appeared as articles in the NYT. While she fills her book with all this information, she is on a deliberate quest to educate the reader about the history of women's roles vis a vis men. She revisits feminism and eventually comes to the conclusion that we have become our own worst nightmares with the booming business of plastic surgery. That all the equal rights we were fighting for in the corporate world, in politics, and in the home, has come to a head as we realize the importance of raising the children and keeping the hubby happy in the bedroom. That all this desire to do the extreme make overs is masked by the rhetoric that it boosts our self-esteem when indeed it's to feel more desirable by the opposite sex.

I don't know...is that so bad? I will be the first to openly admit that though I have a certain standard of how I like to look in public, etc., knowing that Mike desires me and thinks I'm sexy would definitely boost my ego. I love him truly and would want nothing more than to feel the way we did the first few months of our meeting. We couldn't keep our hands off each other!! Now after a decade of knowing him and sharing all our daily realities, it would be somewhat difficult to get that "newness" back, wouldn't you say? So what better way to rekindle that fire with a little make over?

In my opinion, being able to choose to stay home or work and compete with the best of them, is what we fought for during the feminist revolution. When I see how pigeon-holed my cousins in Korea are in terms of what their roles "need to be" as women, I know we live in a pretty great country. It allows us women to be what we want to be...out of personal choice...not societal pressure. Mike is great that way too. He's supportive of the choices I make because he trusts that I make them with all responsibilities in mind and with 100% commitment to follow.

Slowly emerging, the individual

in me. Little by little, I can feel the fog lift from being a slave to two toddlers, of wanting to reinvent myself and rise out of the ashes. It's been four long years since my pregnancy, the birth, infant care-giving, toddler containing, only to go back to the transition point of infant to toddler with the adoption of our 9.5 month old son and now both are equally mobile, able to understand language, seems perceptive to my moods, etc. Yes, they are interacting with the human race.

As I approach my 38th birthday, I'm craving something more than being coccooned with children and housekeeping. I need to establish a tangible, meaningful project that gives back to society, or even the community that ideally would generate an additional income but that's not the priority. We've been fortunate to be able to live on Mike's salary while I've been mommying for the last 4 years so I imagine we should be okay until the kids are ready for school.

In my mind, I've been toying with the idea of opening a shop. I imagine this shop being visited by moms and their children who love to read and listen to stories. A bookstore maybe...but more than that. I'd like it to be a place where one can spend 30 minutes to an hour browsing, and leave with a peace of mind as well as a piece of purchased merchandise.

Sounds kinda like the Shop Around the Corner from You've Got Mail. Maybe it only happens in the movies.

Two toddlers on a plane...

sitting behind you would would not be an ideal flight for me. But we are the ones with the toddlers so pity the fools who is in the row in front of us. And yes, we are taking our two toddlers on a flight from the west coast to the east this Saturday. Luckily, it'll be around their naptimes, so as soon as they're settled in their seats, and the initial excitement of being on a plane wears off, add to that the gravity pull of the take off, they should dose off to slumberland before we reach cruising altitude.

The two get a lot of looks as they pull their Thomas suitcases full of diapers, DVD's, books and snacks in the airport through security, and then to the gates. It's actually a pretty funny sight to see as they stand in line waiting their turns with the travelers. Flight attendants greet them happily as they climb into the first empty row which is usually in Business Class. Then bad mommy has to shoo them out to coach.

We're looking forward to our trip to see the grandparents who'll spoil them and give them all the attention they seek, etc. What we're not looking forward to is the humid summer days of the east coast. I have it so good here in Oregon.

Bristol, UK, here he comes!

Mike just purchased his 3 day trip to Cardiff for an interview that could land him a transfer to Asia this summer. Booking a ticket so last minute was a nightmare! We found out through a friend who is a native of London, now living and working in the US, that Bristol would be the quickest way to get to Cardiff. Originally, Mike wanted to land in one of the metro airports in London, Heathrow, Gatwick or City, then take the chunnel to Cardiff. But landing in Bristol would be way faster. A car will pick him up and drive him to the hotel before his meeting with the head of the Global Dept.

Now, my thoughts on the possible move...let's see...considering the fact that we now have 2 aging cats, 2 dogs (whom I consider my first children), and 2 toddlers (1 still in full time diapers and 1 in transition), it's making my head spin when I think about packing the house, selling it, researching ways to get our animals across international waters, finding housing in Asia (it could be Singapore, Malaysia, Korea, Hong Kong, or any other small island that calls itself a country in the Southeast). We've only lived in this house for less than 4 years.

I lived in Malaysia as a child from the age of 4 to 8. I have the fondest memories of my childhood while we were there in the early 70's. My mother only remembers the tropical climate that stifled her to the core but my brother and I loved the freedom of being able to explore the neighborhood jungle, swamp or farmhouse. We had kittens to look for, watched baby chicks hatching from their eggs and snakes slithering around our ankles during a game of tag.

Are we ready to repeat this childhood for our 2 toddlers? Hell yea...

Botox cannot erase...

38 years of frowning, angst or chagrins. Yup, had an appointment with the doc today for 6 injections of Botox. My forehead was beginning to look like a wave symbol in hieroglyphics so I decided to try Botoxing them. She said I would begin noticing the affects after a week. So far, nothing...am only somewhat disappointed that I couldn't see any immediate results.

I truly believe those frown lines are evidences of the realist in me. Never being able to be joyful in the moment and tendencies to analyze first, sorta like testing out thin ice by tapping it with your foot to see if it'll crack...then of course, it becomes anticlimactic even if it is a safe thing to express happiness. (sigh) See? There I go again...

I've always envied people who can get through the trivials of living each and everyday with a smile. A smile says so much about the happy soul residing in that person. Smiles are like discovering the intricate patterns of a single snowflake when there is a winter storm outside. I want to be a happiness expresser!! I want to be illuminated from within with contentment, all my blessings in life and so many little things that make me quiver with smugness. And yes, I do have many moments like that.

For example, present moment: Daddy is lying on the couch sharing a PBJ sandwich with 2 toddlers while watching/mimicking the characters of the movie Chicken Little. That's pure joy! They're singing, "It's the end of the world as we know it...." Baby girl is stringing 2 word phrases, "Daddy alien, baby alien, mommy alien..." Baby boy is tonguing the roof of his mouth of PBJ sandwich. Ahhhhhhhh.....is it a scene to cherish and capture to tuck away in the far reaches of my cluttered mind? Fucking yes.

Ovulating is Hard Work!

My menstrual cycle has been as regular and on time as the NYC subway system back in my early twenties. Then came the thirties (post wedding) and it got knocked out of whack. During a time when we were passively trying to conceive a child, start a family and continue the inevitable journey called life, a monkey wrench gets thrown in our well-manicured plan. Who would have thought this could happen? It slowly began to eat away at our sensibilities. It began to add layer after layer of tension to our easy going natures. It erupted one day as we were forced to look at the core of our angst.

Neither one of us wanted to talk about the pregnancy that wasn't happening. Neither one of us wanted to find out why, let alone which one of us is the malfunctioning party. It was an unusual time for us. It was a very dark time for us. We needed a jolt...and we got it. Upon undergoing a battery of testing and invasive procedures to record for the infertility clinic, we got pregnant. Fast forward to present day (gave birth and adopted our second)...

In my late thirties, my cycles have now taken on a life of its own. It makes it known when the ovulation begins...I get mucho sleepy and crave naps in the middle of the day. My energy level dwindles to a low grade humming and I can't see straight as daylight wanes. But double bath duty for 2 dirty toddlers covered in flubber cannot wait a minute longer...the show must go on!