Adoption Community

I am learning SOOOO much about families and relationships through the adoption community. It seems like adoptive moms these days reach out for one another to share the joys, the trials, the heartaches, etc., just about every aspect of their lives with their children whether biological or adopted. It's a very large community with first time parents, older parents, single moms, and even mixed race parents as well as non-white parents. We would be considered in the grouping of non-white adoptive parents since Mike and I are both Korean.

What I know to be true is that all these people became a family because they really wanted children. So the one thing they never seem to take for granted is the love they have for their children. They profess openly and generously every chance they get. They count their blessings and joyfully express gratitude for the chance to be parents of small children. I recharge each time I read a blog or a message board that expresses these sentiments.

T is now 2 years and 2 months old. He's been home 1 year and 4 months. He knows I am his mommy and lost all recollections of his previous life with his foster mom. It was different when he first came home. He knew I was unfamiliar, different, something not right. He cried for no reason much of the time, and whined incessantly. He woke up crying at night unconsolable. He also had an extreme clingy stage but rejected the affection when offered. He was truly an enigma the first 9 months home. We sought the expert advice of an attachment specialist and received some good strategies. One of those was to ensure that he knew we, as his parents, were always in charge. That he understands the control belongs to us, and we would know how to keep him safe and secure.

I thought this was important because for a long time, we were trying to appease him and give him control over what he wanted and when he wanted them, but the irony was that he never followed through on his requests. For example, he would ask for milk and we would give him milk which he would toss aside as soon as he got it. Same with a toy, or snacks, or anything else for that matter. So we changed gears after the therapist session. We gave him milk when it was time, left all the toys out for him to play, and those he requested which were out of reach for a reason, were denied.

This taught him boundaries, the concept of yes or no, and helped mold his behaviour to certain expectations. As a toddler, you'd think they have no concept of this but I assure you this is an important part of teaching a child who may very well have attachment issues that he can function well within a set of limits tailored to his needs, feel safe and secure (meaning fed, not hungry, out of danger, etc.), and interact with the rest of the family in a loving, affectionate way. And as he builds on his developmental milestones, his abilities, his responsiveness, we slowly let loose the reigns and give him more independence.

As Dennis Miller put it, "ration the freedom while encouraging independence..."