Looking through the eyes of a go between...

I was called upon to interpret between a birthmom from Korea and an adoptive mother at a dinner at the a-mom's house. Let it be known that this would be my second time interpreting for a reunion, though this time, I was there as the a-mom's liaison. It would be my first time meeting the adoptee, who was 30 years old, married, 8 weeks pregnant with her second child.

A bit of background info...birthmom relinquished 2 of her 3 daughters after her husband's sudden death. The oldest of the 3 remained in Korea with b-mom though she was primarily raised by the maternal grandmother. According to the oldest sister, she had a very difficult life and often blamed her mother and raged at her for not sending her to the U.S. for adoption with her 2 younger siblings. She has the most memories of their earlier lives.

M is the youngest of the 3 daughters and is the one whose a-mom requested me as the interpreter. H is the middle sister who was also adopted but to a family about 3 hours away. She was not present at the dinner. J is the oldest sister who remained in Korea and came to the U.S. with her mother, the b-mom, on this trip to reunite with the 2 adopted sisters.

M moved out of her a-mom's house at the age of 14 to live with her a-dad and stepmom. According to M, her a-mom was a control freak, lacked genuine warmth, and objectified, exoticized her as an Asian child. Even after the dinner, the a-mom asked me to tell the b-mom that she received an incredible "gift" at the expense of her loss and for that she was truly sorry. She also reminded M that she had always encouraged her to utilize her "exoticness" to add to her self-esteem. I was appalled.

I was able to sense the tension between M and her a-mom. They had a very tumultuous relationship. B-mom wept openly as she foraged through the photo album and asked about M's initial adjustment when she arrived as a 3.5 year to the U.S. Needless to say, M described all the classic symptoms of RAD: limp affect, hoarding, hiding, separation anxieties, the overwhelming grief expressed by what a-mom labeled as the "Korean wail," etc. etc.

Somewhere during the dinner, I became more of a go between for M and her b-mom rather than for the a-mom. She and I felt a kinship surrounding our similarly aged sons and agreed to stay in touch for a playdate. I think the newfound relationship between M and her b-mom and sister will be the beginning toward healing and closure. I look forward to connecting with M again...this time as 2 moms of small children who happen to be Korean.

Are Asian Men Not As Desirable??

I don't remember where I read it or heard it but some survey said Asian men in the U.S. are the least desirable candidates for marriage. Without being too derogatory, many Asian boys are raised like little princes and waited on hand and foot by doting parents.

I know that China and Korea are patriarch centered cultures...meaning that boys are definitely more valued in both families and societies at large. Just looking at the sheer number of baby girls being adopted out in China says a lot. And in Korea, though it is slowly changing, men are very much catered to and revered. Korea is a very male oriented society. Though there are many more baby boys adopted from Korea, there is an interesting reason why this is happening.

If and when a Korean couple decides to adopt, they mostly choose baby girls. The reason being that they would only have the responsibility of raising her until she is married whereby then she would be her husband and his family's charge. The family registry would drop her name from her parents' record and add her onto her husband's family registry. The law requires this of all women who marry but this is also in the process of changing to accommodate more single mothers who want to raise their children. And this is primarily why more baby boys are available for international adoption. If the couple adopted a son, the son would take on the head of household title when the adoptive father passes on even if he is not blood related and this is where the importance of blood lineage comes into play. Because he is not the biological son, it would be a deception to record his name onto the original family registry which is pretty much like the papers that come with purebred pets, in my opinion. This records the lineage of all members of the households where the heads have always traditionally been men, usually first born sons.

Now, myself included, there are many a-parents in my immediate and cyber-communities who have boy toddlers from Korea. It will be very interesting to see this generation of boys become men and to witness how they will fare in the dating and marriage scene. These boys will be raised to respect women, be sensitive, communicate their needs as well as know how to listen, etc. All those good values that we moms of the millennium could only expect from our partners will be taught to our sons.

Heck, I thought I was marrying a very Americanized Korean guy myself, only to learn after 8 years of wedded bliss, he is just a newer and improved version of my own chauvinist father (not as bad though). I guess with familiarity comes comfort. He hasn't presented anything I couldn't handle or debate my way out of. My mother, OTOH, was always in the compromising position of being the subservient traditional wife on the outside but always needing to "vent" all her frustrations from remaining silent.

I will definitely look forward to the day when T is ready to choose his life partner. There will be so many factors involved in who he's attracted to and who will be attracted to him.

Mothering is bringing me to my knees...

after various appointments with the orthopedist, acupuncturist, and podiatrist, my knees are officially shot to hell. Not one, both. Presently, I am having trouble getting up sitting positions, off the floor, and up/down the stairs. It's killing me!

It doesn't help that my toddlers are often needing to be picked up and carried. In and out of carseats! Damn those useless plastic law-mandated pieces of junk! I really hate it when we citizens in a free world are dictated to about safety issues and how they are to be carried out for my family at our expense of course. Why don't cars come with child seats as an option? Then we can sell the car to another family in need of a car with carseats, etc.

My parents are really trying to help me out too. But when they join me in an outing, it becomes what I had in NY when we visited with the in-laws. An outing with 2 toddlers and 2 senior citizens. I don't know whether it helps or not but it certainly makes them feel good to think they're helping in some way.

I love my new acupuncturist. He is a soft spoken Chinese herbalist who can sense all pain just from touching the area. He's done wonders already in terms of getting the inflammation down.

I've also been limited to not doing any sort of exercise while I have my knees repaired. Too bad. I really like Janice my personal trainer too. I miss her already. It was actually she who kept pushing me to see someone about my painful knees. Now I can't even see her anymore.