A Routine Visit for Most Adoptive Mothers but...

our trip to T's adoption agency in Seoul was nothing but ordinary. Upon seeing him, his foster mother wanted to hold him, hug him and carry him around. T wanted nothing to do with her. I assured her not to be saddened by this, for I had worked hard to build his attachment to me, that it was only natural for him or any kid for that matter to not go easily to someone they perceive as a complete stranger. He certainly did not remember her, but he felt threatened by her somehow. It was like he knew she could possibly take him away from everything he ever knew to be comfort. Just like I had done 2 and a half years ago as she had passed his sleeping body to me as I got into the car. I don't believe for a minute that he does not remember....he does remember....subconsciously.
Then it was the dreaded gift exchanging with the 2 directors. H & T had had enough of the cold, icy institutional setting. They wanted to get out and ride the bus. The oldest director seemed nice and pleasant but knowing he has to do this countless times with foreigners from abroad, I almost envisioned a decaying old man who had a running script embedded in his brain. He recited from it, and then was surprised I spoke fluent Korean. He read his slip of paper with my info on it, and it said we were from Oklahoma. I corrected him and said Oregon, en route to Singapore. It was the most bizarre ritual I ever had to engage in.

The younger director asked me whether I needed anything from them. I said a meeting with T's birthmother would be nice. He asked why. My reasons rolled out like a script as well. I want to face her mother to mother and assure her that he is well taken care of and loved to no end, that if she ever wished to see him, I would be open, but more importantly that she build her life on solid confidence that his world is safe and secure so that when he grows up to seek a relationship with her, that she also has a firm ground to stand on. At the tender age of 22, there is still plenty of time to eke out a good life with a potentially loving husband and family. And most of all, no need for guilt, that she was born under a lucky star because her son brought our family together closer than ever and all members are in a win win situation as long as she can find her way in this world without shame or sadness in her heart. That we will always think of her and include her in our prayers. That she is also an integral part of our family.

My speech stopped him cold. He requested his secretary to contact the post adoption director right away. I told him I would be here until the 21st and that we will be frequenting Korea each time we fly to the US. I know at least I've left a scratch that this is my ultimate goal each time I contact them. From this point on, I can only hope...for that phone call.