A Brooding Mom with a Brood of Two

I am a stay at home with 2 toddlers who are 15 months apart in age. While blogging is very new to me, I found that this could be a healthy and productive way (I get to practice my storytelling skills) to get things off my chest without seeking a willing yet time-constrained pair of ears from my friends.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

It cheapens the experience...

So I contracted some kind of nail fungus on my right hand's middle finger. The hand that is used to wipe the turdy butt of...let's say, not only the owner of that hand once a day, but also the butts of little ones countless times each day. I repeat...a daily average of 6 or 7 poopy diapers that are tended to by laying the said toddlers down on their backs, opening up the stinky package, wiping down the cracks and crevices using mostly my aforementioned middle finger that is covered with a baby wipe, and after strapping a fresh Huggies on them, repeated hand washings thereafter and voila! A fucking nail infection. TMI???

So I have to live with this unsightly nail looking like it's ready to dry up and crust off, cooking the meals, touching the food that goes into my babies' mouths. How can I go around touting how wonderful my job is as a stay at home mom when there are situations like this that make the experience so overrated and unrewarding. Though it's not noticeable until I point it out, there are days when it's really hard to just smile and answer, "I'm doing well, and you?"

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Collectivism vs. Individualism

During a brief exchange with another mom while looking at hippos at the zoo with our children, she mentioned something she observed in the Japanese culture when she lived there a while back. She said she noticed the Japanese people often thought and acted on behalf of the group they belonged in at the time. For example, if at the office, one always accommodated the major consensus in what to grab for lunch and they would all flock out together to the same restaurant. If making a decision that affected the family, one would make that decision based on what one surmised would be the wishes and in the best interest of said family members. There are no discussions, opinions asked and brought to the table, and definitely no chance of making much ado about something.

I don't know whether I can speak for my whole culture but this holds true in my own upbringing. My family operated based on what the deciding member thought would be the best decision for all. My father was a unilateral decision maker with the big picture decisions, i.e. where to live, how he was going to put food on the table, when and where we would take vacations, etc. He never consulted anyone about any of these decisions. My mother, on the other hand, was the sole decision maker about what to eat for dinner, what clothes to buy us, when to go food shopping, and when to buy other small household goods that can be brought home by car. My brother and I observed this behavior and learned to emulate it as we got older. My brother enlisted in the Air Force after graduating college thinking he was doing our dad a favor. He wanted to become a commercial pilot and did not want to burden him with the high price of tuition for flight school. So he thought joining the military where he would get paid while he learns to fly was the best option for him. I once re-wallpapered our kitchen while my parents went on vacation. They came home completely surprised with the new look in the kitchen. There was no family meeting or discussion to any of these events my brother and I unleashed on my parents.

Do you think my parents were understanding of their children's actions? That they were only doing as they learned how to do? That the thoughts behind the actions were to spare them of something undesirable, my brother's being money and mine being the inconvenience of a kitchen out of commission during the makeover? That we always kept the welfare of the family in mind as we made these decisions? That we expected them to appreciate the thoughtfulness behind the deeds as well as recognize them to be benefiting the family as a whole? Hell NO! They were pissed off! They went off on our asses! Talk about mixed messages. I think I know now why I can feel so fucked up inside.

I am presently enjoying a well choreographed democracy in our own family right now. Do you want milk or juice? Tell me what you want instead of whining. I'll get it for you. Let's talk about it. Mike and I talk out everything. He and I will go into why it's a good idea or why it's bad. Usually, I can just sense whether he's being reasonable or he's just plain not ready to give in to me yet. (This is a radar I cultivated growing up in my subliminal messaging home). But I have to tell you, between the two ideologies, I pick individualism. I like it when I don't have to try to figure out what one is thinking or desiring. It's much easier when they tell you. And in that sense, American culture is all about the individual. If you let it be known, someone will not only hear you, but listen as well.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Limits of My Existence

Between diaper changes, fixing and feeding meals, chauffering, grocery shopping, email checking, doing the household bills, baths, my own personal hygiene, and any other daily task I left out of this list, when would I have time to ponder about anything in any depth??? Just now, I was thinking...good God! I don't have time to ruminate. I don't have any brain capacity to weave a web of abstract thinking, let alone draw a conclusion about my musings. If I were a pinball machine, I'd just be blinking TILT.

On the other hand, I wonder whether all this business (busy-ness) is what's keeping me from taking a random thought off a cliff. I've been prone to making myself downright depressed when I begin "the process."

I'm just happy when T keeps me company as I watch a rerun of an old movie. He'll happily sit on my stomach and run his chubby finger across my face or take his favorite potty book and look at the pictures quietly next to me. Then H comes tearing into the room and disturbs our peaceful little ecosystem. It is non-stop toddler interruptions and needs meeting I tell you! I don't have time to think! I just do it.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Non-profit volunteering costs $$$

So I am the treasurer and board member of a non-profit organization that is all volunteer with a small bank account. I agreed to keep the books because it was fairly simple, where my duties were limited to balancing the check book, cutting checks, filing the annual report with the state, handling all the deposits, etc. Not what I would call heavy accounting in any way. Even though our reality is very small scale and "mom/poppish," our rhetoric is grandiose and spans internationally. We are The Northwest Korean Culture Society. We aim to bring those interested in anything pertaining to Korean culture a wealth of experiential resources as well as camaraderie among the members. Lofty, eh?

We are presently committing ourselves to bringing over 16 professional performers from the National Cultural Arts of Korea to Portland for 8 days in September. We are now solely and completely responsible for their lodging, transportation, meals, gifts and touring. And their main purpose of course would be to perform at the venues we're supposed to have lined up for them during their visit. The most important one being our annual Chusok Festival on September 30th.

I am in charge of lodging and their lunches. It's going to cost me because I know the organization's bank won't have enough funds to cover everything else. So I will probably not get reimbursed after everyone else's receipts are turned in. It's a choice I made not because we're super wealthy and can afford to, blah, blah, blah, but because it's our donation for a non-profit this year. I hope it won't break our bank. Wish me luck. Yeeesh!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Are They Twins??

T is 15 months younger than H but he is slowly catching up with her in height. Presently, he is only about 3-4 inches shorter than her. We're asked if they're twins all the time. I truly think he will pass her in height by the time he's 5. Knowing that he comes from a different set of genes, and not my own family's short stature ones, he will probably tower over the whole family upon puberty completion.

T is one of those kids who will cry if he senses inequity. He enjoys the privileges he gets from riding on H's coat tails. He is happiest when they have the same things, same foods, same treatments, etc. And I am now wondering whether this will continue as they grow up together. We can't ever use the excuse: "Not until you are older or when you're the same age as H" because he is as able, if not more comprehending of the situation at hand, and most of all, because he can handle it. He really can...

I've always wanted to have fraternal twins and this is the closest thing but even better because my son is still emotionally younger and needs more cuddling, hugging and affection. I love it when he walks into my room each morning at 6. He then quietly climbs into bed and falls back asleep next to my back. When he hears me stir, he will throw his leg on me as if to say, "I'm not ready to get up yet and I'm making sure you're not either, Mommy," Love that!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Superman Returns as Pretty Boy!

Brandon Routh is the new Superman and boy is he eye candy! Openly gay director Bryan Singer cast him and James Marsden (the soldier in The Notebook) and I don't think it's a coincidence that they are both very likable, pretty boy types on screen. Marsden plays Lois Lane's husband who seems mildly curious about Lane's past history with Superman but not really threatened in any sense. In fact, it didn't take much to convince him to turn his plane around so Lane can go back to the disaster to save Superman. Not only that, their son, has a sudden bond with the superhero and his father never makes an issue of it.

Two and a half hours of action packed scenes and thrilling sequences with beautiful actors to gawk at. It was a treat on the Fourth of July for me. I loved it and am contemplating seeing it again since H is now asking for Superman too.

PS: Mike thinks Rachel McAdams would have made a much better Lois Lane than Kate Bosworth. I agree...if you can catch her on Wedding Crashers, you can see she's a ringer for the mousy brunet.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Every household has drama

Just got off the phone with a good friend. Mike and I set her up with the man she is married to right now. They seemed perfect for each other and they are living the city life in San Francisco with an enormous mortgage to boot. What I love about her is her candor, her uncanny sensibilities, and her sound perspective on things great and small. Not only does she have all this great character but she's drop dead gorgeous and extremely optimistic. Yah...a real "light up the room" when she walks in type.

It seems that they are going through some difficulties in the bedroom arena due to erectile dysfunction. She wants to suggest that he go see a doctor who can possibly prescribe some pills (viagra maybe) to help him out but is worried she may open a can of worms. All her concerns are real and reasonable. And to top if off, they are trying to get pregnant and don't know if his sperm count is sufficient for the job. No bun in the oven as of yet.

We chatted on and on about married life and how our expectations have shifted about our spouses. I told her, "Wait until the kids come." Are we destined to this life of child-rearing with nothing else to fulfill our own joyless cups? Were the days when we were searching for the perfect mate our most happiest period? I don't think so because what I have now is what I've been dreaming of then. So what now? I should just shut up and count my blessings.

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