On Being Thirty Eight Years Old

I turned 38 on the 26th. We were vacationing in Santa Cruz/Carmel/SF. I had a wonderful time getting away with the family. The toddlers were great. No strollers, no carseats. They even wore their backpacks with diapers and snacks in them. We met our dear friends for lunch and dinner. It was just lovely.

I just wished I looked better. I would love to lose this weight and have more energy. It just makes it that much harder for me to feel good or have a pleasant expression when trying to be social. I joined a health club today. I will also hire a personal trainer to help me lose the pounds. I am determined to get to my goal weight of 135 lbs.

Being overweight at thirty eight: Clothes do not fit well. Bathing suits aren't flattering. Having toddler resting on your overhang as you are carrying him around is not attractive to observe. I always feel swollen and look like I'm retaining an extra gallon of water all over. It simply sucks.

On the other hand, I feel like I've gained yet another perspective of life that makes me think that I should be doing much much more with my life. Mike wants me to focus more on myself this year. He wants me to give up the non-profit work and work on building myself back up to the standard I will be happy with. I thank God my husband supports me this way yet I'm not sure he completely understands the core of my being either. He didn't know that I was getting an emotional fulfillment from volunteering. I thought that was very telling.

We are an Apple family!

Ever since I bought a used Powerbook for Mike last year he has been hooked. I've only used Macs since I began grad school and it continued as I taught at private schools which only used Macs for their students. I met Mike in an AOL chat room using my Mac Classic II. Yea, the small grey box with the monochromatic miniscule screen. Back then, AOL used to mail out floppy disks for consumers to try out free but paid the phone bill up the wazoo.

I then upgraded to a Power PC, the large grey machine with a color monitor, one I got for free from the school I worked in as a 4th grade teacher. The school was upgrading to colorful iMacs. It wasn't long before I purchased my very own Grape tray loading iMac in 1999. That machine lasted me through 2003.

At the end of 2003, I bought a 12 inch iBook. At that point, I was staying home with a baby and needed something to do in between feedings and naps. I also discovered the world of iMovie and made a few slideshows of H's first and second year of life. So I had to purchase a Superdrive installed eMac as well to burn them with iDVD. Presently my iBook is listed on eBay for $500 Buy it Now as is Mike's 15 inch Titanium Powerbook for $1000 Buy it Now.

Yesterday, we brought home two new Macbooks from the Apple Store. Mike got the Black one with a Superdrive and I the White with the Combo. We are still tinkering with our new toys. These little laptops are super fast with mind boggling capabilities. Am SOOOOO happy we upgraded.

Being my mother's daughter...

is probably one of the most difficult roads to navigate in my life. She is like an injured animal...untrusting, insecure, defensive. While she doesn't know how to give unconditionally, she expects it from me like a bottomless cup of coffee. All that she gives emotionally, materially and physically is well calculated so that she is rarely on a losing end.

The one time I left 19 month old H with her so Mike and I could have our first trip alone out of town for a long weekend, she wanted me to take the next flight home after 2 nights. Needless to say, I did not enjoy the rest of our trip and felt guilty the whole time. I vowed never to leave my children with her for any extended periods of time ever again.

Another time, a few years ago, we needed $5000 earnest money to put in a bid on our first home. While our down payment was tied up in a CD due to expire in a few weeks, we had a hard time scrounging up the $5000 that quickly so we asked my parents for help. They said no. Just like that.

When we decided to adopt our son, my mother emphatically told me she was dead set against it. When T came home, she gushed over him...until my mother in law told her in confidence that she herself could probably never feel the same degree of love for T as she does for H. Well, this little confession in some way gave my mother permission to stop putting on the "I love T show." She admitted her admiration for my mother in law for being able to express such candor and changed from loving affection to indifferent disregard for T.

I am so exhausted of the mental drain, the living up to expectations, yet being disappointed time and time again from her letting me down. I've decided to have a cooling period for the last 4 months and feel ready to reengage now but with a completely different set of rules. She does not like it one bit. She thinks I hate her. I told her that would be childish of me, that I've never hated her, but that I don't like her at times either. I just feel indifferent now.

I need to gather my emotional strength and vest in my two young children who need me 24/7.

A Slice of Heaven here...

Just returned from an overnight trip with the toddlers. We spent the night with an adoptive family that lives in White Salmon, WA. It is just a bridge cross from the town of Hood River, OR. I didn't realize what a beautiful little vacation spot the whole Columbia Gorge offers. Not only was the one hour plus drive decent from the Portland metro, it was breath taking!

The kids did great on the drive even with the Friday traffic and all. We left the house at 4pm and arrived at Hood River around 6pm (one potty pit stop), just in time for 1st Friday Street Fair in downtown Hood River. They had live music, art, street food vendors, etc. The whole town was walking about. Plus the thousands of out of towners who took up every single parking spot in an available lot.

Our hosts were wonderful! They have a very laid back lifestyle and seemed to welcome us happily. I almost feel sorry for their adopted daughter who seems to subsist on ice-cream and plain pasta. I also watched in amazement as she popped a large wad of bubble gum in her mouth as she woke up in the morning. Something also told me their marriage was on the rocks and since she travels so much for her work (she is the breadwinner), the daughter is left alone a lot with the father who seems nice enough on the outside, but my instincts tell me he has some pent up rage inside. So I'm actually afraid for this 5 year old girl who is in the care of this man when her mom is gone.

Anyway, H & T were a hit! We went down to the marina for a picnic lunch and swim. Our dog Rex was loving the freedom of being off leash and splashing in the Columbia River. It was just so fabulous. T even got to water ski with another adoptive dad of a Korean boy who tied the tether to his waist as he pulled the kids on the skis.

I am seriously contemplating buying a second home in the area now...

I am always being followed...

by two toddlers and two dogs. Mike's been away on business since Monday. I've been sleeping with H in the master bedroom. Last night, I couldn't sleep because the two dogs had taken up all the legroom at the foot of the bed. So I got up, used the bathroom, and went into the guest room to an empty bed.

In the morning, I found H and T in bed with me, and the two dogs taking up space at the foot of the bed. Next time I'm locking the door.

Seriously, I am NEVER alone anymore. I have designated little creatures that use me as a foot pillow, a seat cushion and the dogs jump on the couch next to me and throw themselves against my side. It's not even funny when the weather was 105 degrees outside. We had the AC cranking overtime. But the little creatures persist in hanging out right against my body. What am I?

If one toddler isn't hanging on my neck, the other is sprawled out on my lap. I am a climbing structure at times. And other times, I am just base, where hot chubby hands are touching.

I can't even go to the bathroom in peace. The door has to stay open at all times. When we use the public restroom, the kids crawl under the door to get into my stall. It's the most aggravating thing to have to wash their hands from the floor touching. When will this all stop??? Calgon! Take me away!