Being my mother's daughter...

is probably one of the most difficult roads to navigate in my life. She is like an injured animal...untrusting, insecure, defensive. While she doesn't know how to give unconditionally, she expects it from me like a bottomless cup of coffee. All that she gives emotionally, materially and physically is well calculated so that she is rarely on a losing end.

The one time I left 19 month old H with her so Mike and I could have our first trip alone out of town for a long weekend, she wanted me to take the next flight home after 2 nights. Needless to say, I did not enjoy the rest of our trip and felt guilty the whole time. I vowed never to leave my children with her for any extended periods of time ever again.

Another time, a few years ago, we needed $5000 earnest money to put in a bid on our first home. While our down payment was tied up in a CD due to expire in a few weeks, we had a hard time scrounging up the $5000 that quickly so we asked my parents for help. They said no. Just like that.

When we decided to adopt our son, my mother emphatically told me she was dead set against it. When T came home, she gushed over him...until my mother in law told her in confidence that she herself could probably never feel the same degree of love for T as she does for H. Well, this little confession in some way gave my mother permission to stop putting on the "I love T show." She admitted her admiration for my mother in law for being able to express such candor and changed from loving affection to indifferent disregard for T.

I am so exhausted of the mental drain, the living up to expectations, yet being disappointed time and time again from her letting me down. I've decided to have a cooling period for the last 4 months and feel ready to reengage now but with a completely different set of rules. She does not like it one bit. She thinks I hate her. I told her that would be childish of me, that I've never hated her, but that I don't like her at times either. I just feel indifferent now.

I need to gather my emotional strength and vest in my two young children who need me 24/7.