On Helping an Adoptee...

I've had the privilege of meeting and getting to know Korean adoptees while volunteering. One in particular called the phone to ask for more info about Korean culture. Upon conversing a while longer she and I felt a strong kinship surrounding her adoption. At the time we met, she had already located her birth family and was ready to fly to Korea to meet them. I helped her communicate with her birthfather and birthmother on the phone as an interpreter. It was gut wrenching to listen to the dialogue of why's and forgive me's.

In time, we built a solid trusting friendship between us and began to meet each other on a personal basis. Interestingly enough, I had been attracted to her initially because she seemed like a very together person with a solid marriage and family life. Little by little, her story began to unfold with all the horrors I've only read about in books and newspapers. It was hard for me to simply sit there and listen and not pass judgment and not tell her what to do. I couldn't allow the abuse that was going on to continue.

Needless to say, our friendship cooled off a lot and we now communicate via occasional emails. It's very sad to me that she is in such a violent marriage. I don't know how to befriend someone who is always in need of intervention. She had a hard time going through the reunion with her birth family in Korea without the moral support of her husband but she did do it. And she has closed that chapter in her life.

I am about to embark on another "project" to help another adoptee start her search. We located 5 orphanages with the same name on her hospital records. We will begin the cold calling very soon. These issues are emotionally charged and quite difficult to navigate for the adoptee. I, on the other hand, approach the search like detective work. I hate to say it, but I hope I don't wind up breaking another friendship.

I think it would certainly be a bad reflection on my part.

My Personal Trainer

gave me such a good workout today, I came home totally exhausted but too wired to sit still and rest. I did manage a few minutes of shut eye but with H running around the house screaming and making noises it was near impossible. Anyway, it will be interesting to see whether I wake up tomorrow morning sore to the core.

Now, of course, I went and hired a personal trainer because H would be in pre-school Tuesdays and Thursdays but the school cancelled the program due to low enrollment. I am now hunting for a school to send her but most facilities for 3 year olds mandate nap/rest time in the afternoon. So what I am looking for is more of an academic program rather than a daycare situation.

So I go looking on the web. I find a perfect school for her in my town. They have 2 day academic program for 3 year olds in the afternoons. The philosophy of the school is about free exploration, independence encouraging and best of all, a full inclusion of the arts in its curriculum. H will have a chance to dance, try out drama, as well as arts and crafts. I really hope the director will allow her into the class that already has 10 students enrolled. It's so nuts having to look for a good fit for her.

The first few places I look at, I saw children in the rooms who were completely disengaged from the caregivers, one was crying/screaming bloody murder. It was so sad. They had babies in the nursery crying their eyes out as well. And the caretakers seem so desensitized to all the noise. They just went about their business like robots. It seems like these places are the only options for most moms who have to work, but I know I have a choice so I'm being very picky.

The Ethics of eBaying

So I've been an avid eBayer since 2002. I buy as much as I sell. To date, I've sold stuff around our house worth over $4000 in total. Usually, it's to upgrade my electronics hobby. I've sold my digital cameras to help toward the purchase of a newer better model. I've sold all parts and accessories related to my Apple computers. It also helps that Mike is a brand name whore. All our purchases are highly sought and wanted by other fanatic eBayers.

The last item I had up for bid was my old 12 inch iBook. A very nice local couple bought it from me and paid me cash as we met at a parking lot of the bank they use. They were extremely happy with the purchase. I had all the original manuals, accessories, discs, peripherals and box. What I didn't realize was that I had included in the set of discs, the OS 10.3 Panther discs which I had bought separately worth over $100. I was looking for them to upgrade my dad's new Powerbook.

I emailed the couple and asked whether the Panther discs were in the box. They were indeed. I asked to "borrow" the discs explaining my situation with my dad's notebook. I offered to pay for their postage and packaging. The husband drove out with his daughter to hand deliver the discs himself. Now, originally, I would have kept the discs, stating it wasn't part of the deal and turn around to sell them on eBay for another $100 or so but I admire their honesty and generosity so much that I have decided to return the discs to the nice couple as part of their installation package.

Now, you ask...why would you do that if those discs are worth extra money for me? I like to reward positive behavior. I figure if there is enough goodness being exchanged in the world (heck, even if it's just in eBay's world) we might find ourselves living in a much more peaceful place. I'd like to believe that people can change if given enough leeway to reflect and respond. The conscious is a powerful tool. It can make you do things your business oriented mind would normally tell you not to.

Sitting on the fence about...

politically charged issues seems to be what I'm good at lately.

The first time I ever encountered any kind of division within the community was when I was teaching 2nd grade at a very prestigious independent school in the Bay Area. We were planning a curriculum revolving around different kinds of families which included gay parents and the backlash was astounding. I had parents approach me in confidence via emails, phone calls and meetings to voice their concerns about teaching their children at such a young age that being gay exists and is okay. Even if I assured them we would skirt around the sexuality issue, they chirped that it would be at home that they'd have to tackle these types of questions. I was in a quandary. I understood their concerns and wanted to respect their perspectives so I gave them an opt out option.

The reaction to that unilateral decision to allow parents to keep their children home for the two mom/dad families presentation was harsh. The pro curriculum families wanted all or nothing. They wanted a full faculty/parent dialogue about the bigotry and hate which exist in our community and a temporary halt to the program.

The conservative parents defended their viewpoints by stating that in no way are they homophobic, that they simply felt their 7 year olds were just too young to be exposed to that particular lifestyle (not a biological imperative) which can be misconstrued as a selection in a menu of options as they develop their sexuality.

Presently, I am sitting on the fence about pro-adoptive parents or pro-adoptee rights. I am an adoptive parent of a small child right now so I feel more akin to the adult adoptees from Korea who are now voicing their disdain for international adoption. Many of them do not wish to see anymore Korean babies placed in white adoptive homes. There are just too many being sent from Korea. The number to date is close to a quarter of a million and not all have good things to say about their upbringings.

As an adoptive parent, there have been days when T has rejected all the choices I've given him in trying to placate him. I wondered during those heated moments whether he was just needing to be in control and needed to say no to anything and everything or whether he was simply rejecting "me." You see, I can kind of understand him when he gets into this mode: "I don't want anything from you, strange lady. You can't force me to eat, drink, stay still, go out, nap, and bathe when I don't want to and I don't want you to be the boss of me anymore!"

On the other hand, there are days when I take his rejection personally and would like nothing more than pure submission on his part. I don't want to be at the mercy of a toddler who is exercising control issues and my thoughts go something like this: "You will do as I tell you and will comply to my wishes. I break my back carrying you around when you want me to so you will eat that last bite of banana you asked for and be grateful dammit!!"

On being grateful...this is the last thing an adoptee should be made to feel. They did not asked to be adopted or chose you as parents. And yet, adoptive parents are always seeking some kind of gratitude from either the children or the sending country. "Smack of paternalism" is the phrase that I've heard. And yes, I've been guilty of feeling it and basking in the praises too. I will be more mindful of my responses. But going back to the control issues, my argument is that I can't parent effectively if I'm not in control and that may mean being somewhat punitive to get him to submit. I do it to H as well and she's not adopted but I guess I may need to tread on T's nurturing more carefully because he IS adopted.

So you see, I sit on the fence yet again...