Sitting on the fence about...

politically charged issues seems to be what I'm good at lately.

The first time I ever encountered any kind of division within the community was when I was teaching 2nd grade at a very prestigious independent school in the Bay Area. We were planning a curriculum revolving around different kinds of families which included gay parents and the backlash was astounding. I had parents approach me in confidence via emails, phone calls and meetings to voice their concerns about teaching their children at such a young age that being gay exists and is okay. Even if I assured them we would skirt around the sexuality issue, they chirped that it would be at home that they'd have to tackle these types of questions. I was in a quandary. I understood their concerns and wanted to respect their perspectives so I gave them an opt out option.

The reaction to that unilateral decision to allow parents to keep their children home for the two mom/dad families presentation was harsh. The pro curriculum families wanted all or nothing. They wanted a full faculty/parent dialogue about the bigotry and hate which exist in our community and a temporary halt to the program.

The conservative parents defended their viewpoints by stating that in no way are they homophobic, that they simply felt their 7 year olds were just too young to be exposed to that particular lifestyle (not a biological imperative) which can be misconstrued as a selection in a menu of options as they develop their sexuality.

Presently, I am sitting on the fence about pro-adoptive parents or pro-adoptee rights. I am an adoptive parent of a small child right now so I feel more akin to the adult adoptees from Korea who are now voicing their disdain for international adoption. Many of them do not wish to see anymore Korean babies placed in white adoptive homes. There are just too many being sent from Korea. The number to date is close to a quarter of a million and not all have good things to say about their upbringings.

As an adoptive parent, there have been days when T has rejected all the choices I've given him in trying to placate him. I wondered during those heated moments whether he was just needing to be in control and needed to say no to anything and everything or whether he was simply rejecting "me." You see, I can kind of understand him when he gets into this mode: "I don't want anything from you, strange lady. You can't force me to eat, drink, stay still, go out, nap, and bathe when I don't want to and I don't want you to be the boss of me anymore!"

On the other hand, there are days when I take his rejection personally and would like nothing more than pure submission on his part. I don't want to be at the mercy of a toddler who is exercising control issues and my thoughts go something like this: "You will do as I tell you and will comply to my wishes. I break my back carrying you around when you want me to so you will eat that last bite of banana you asked for and be grateful dammit!!"

On being grateful...this is the last thing an adoptee should be made to feel. They did not asked to be adopted or chose you as parents. And yet, adoptive parents are always seeking some kind of gratitude from either the children or the sending country. "Smack of paternalism" is the phrase that I've heard. And yes, I've been guilty of feeling it and basking in the praises too. I will be more mindful of my responses. But going back to the control issues, my argument is that I can't parent effectively if I'm not in control and that may mean being somewhat punitive to get him to submit. I do it to H as well and she's not adopted but I guess I may need to tread on T's nurturing more carefully because he IS adopted.

So you see, I sit on the fence yet again...