The Obligatory Birthday Intercourse

Dear Harriet,

I shall preface this post by first acknowledging that we should have used the lock on our bedroom door. But I am not used to locking that door since I am very much a firm believer of the open door policy. Ever since you and your brother entered our lives, I vowed to keep the doors always open to make sure the two of you never feel unwelcomed or shut out in any way shape or form from my attention. Of course, there is the occasional, "Go away, mommy's on the potty and I don't need you to be in the bathroom with me while you are playing with your DS," but for the most part, you have had free range over every aspect of my life.

Now, you realize, it was daddy's birthday yesterday. And when you entered our bedroom at 6:54am that morning to look for a toy you misplaced mommy was just about to wish daddy a happy birthday. In our still sleepy stupor, we asked you, "What are you looking for?" To which you replied, "My DS." The whole situation was seemingly normal and yet, I am left feeling so unsettled. I am wondering what you saw, whether you are bothered by what you saw, whether this will be another potentially life impacting scar emblazened in your mind, etc. etc.

OK, so nothing was really going on....yet....but once again, this is another milestone I may need to reassess in my own evolution of being a mother. You are 8 years old and Theo is 6. Can I begin to draw some boundaries about our lives that you are not allowed to witness? Can I begin to expect a knock before entering our bedroom even though it is not locked and open? I am torn...I hate putting up walls, drawing borders and delineating rules in our home. I'd like to believe my own two children have their moral compasses so naturally programmed that you would just simply take things in stride, be mindful and respectful of others without my hounding and harassments.

In any case, this is a learning moment for me. I am in an existential quandary about the next step to take in my mothering philosophy. I guess the first step to take is a dialogue with you. Where to begin...what to say...how to explain the whys. I used to be first a mother then a wife but as you and Theo are growing up so nicely and becoming more independent, I think I need to shift that gear into woman, wife then mother. Would that leave you a little sad? Would that seem selfish? Of course, there is always my willingness to shift yet again if the time calls for it. But never fear while I am not working and at home with you, you ARE my first priority. Navigating when you will not be and daddy takes precedence will be an ongoing issue I will need to wrestle with as I grow into this ever changing role as a woman, married with children.

I love you. It is not your problem. It is mine and solely mine to take on. Just continue being the wonderful little girl you are. I miss you already as I imagine you yourself growing into a young lady pretty soon. Stay youthful and carefree for as long as possible.

Dear Theo,

You came home from school one day and proceeded to tell me about a Korean boy who approached you in your class. He is the only other Asian boy in your class who happens to be Korean but this boy asked you, "Are you from South Korea or North?" to which you responded, "I don't know....maybe South Korea?" He then responded to you, "I am North Korean."

Son, you can't possibly understand this at 6 years young, but the topic of being from the North or South Korea is a big deal since we are a family of both sides. You see, your dad is North Korean through and through. His parents, your paternal grandparents were both born in the North. Your grandma from Hamkyung Province and your grandpa from Pyongyang Province. They left everything they own when war broke out in June of 1950 on the Korean peninsula to make their way to the south by ship. They began new lives in Pusan, South Korea and got married there. Your father is their son so he is 100% North Korean blood. Harriet is half North and half South because my parents are both originally from South Korea. Your maternal grandfather from Susaek and your maternal grandmother from Majang-dong, both cities in Seoul.

But you, my dear son, are 100% South Korean like me. You were born in Anyang, which is a small city south of Seoul. It can only be understood if you explain that you are adopted but that is your story to share if you choose to do so. I simply thought it was so interesting that this boy, John Kim, from your class wanted to delineate which Korean even though we should all just assume we are Americans now. But that has oiled the wheels of my mind to turn and imagine all kinds of scenarios about his family and my curiosity has gotten the better of me.

Interestingly enough, I got a chance to speak with his mother at the roller rink last Friday. It turns out he is not North Korean. He got mixed up somehow and stated the wrong side to you. His mother assured me they are both South Koreans. How we laughed at the thought that this boy's mistaken identity issue brought us together and resulted in a play date to happen this week. I am looking forward to getting to know his parents. I think it is so interesting that you seem bring new friends and friendships into our lives.

In Singapore, Shoto Ishizuka was a 4 year old in your Pre-K class. I observed him and his mother Mayuko at Megan's birthday party. They both spoke limited English and were shy to freely socialize and have fun. I approached Mayuko and Shoto to let them know I can help if they need any. From that point on, it was history in the making of our families becoming such good friends, enough so that we had them stay with us for 3 weeks two summers ago. We also met Rio, Shoto's dad, in the city to have dinner with him as he had business in NYC. And this summer, Shoto, Mayuko and Saki will join us again for 3 weeks as you and Harriet will attend the PDS Summer Camp with them.

Thank you, Theo, for being the conduit to new and good friends for our family. You have what Koreans like to call "people karma:. You meet good people and bring them into our lives. I love you, son. You bless us with good things all the time.

Love,

Mom