During a brief exchange with another mom while looking at hippos at the zoo with our children, she mentioned something she observed in the Japanese culture when she lived there a while back. She said she noticed the Japanese people often thought and acted on behalf of the group they belonged in at the time. For example, if at the office, one always accommodated the major consensus in what to grab for lunch and they would all flock out together to the same restaurant. If making a decision that affected the family, one would make that decision based on what one surmised would be the wishes and in the best interest of said family members. There are no discussions, opinions asked and brought to the table, and definitely no chance of making much ado about something.
I don't know whether I can speak for my whole culture but this holds true in my own upbringing. My family operated based on what the deciding member thought would be the best decision for all. My father was a unilateral decision maker with the big picture decisions, i.e. where to live, how he was going to put food on the table, when and where we would take vacations, etc. He never consulted anyone about any of these decisions. My mother, on the other hand, was the sole decision maker about what to eat for dinner, what clothes to buy us, when to go food shopping, and when to buy other small household goods that can be brought home by car. My brother and I observed this behavior and learned to emulate it as we got older. My brother enlisted in the Air Force after graduating college thinking he was doing our dad a favor. He wanted to become a commercial pilot and did not want to burden him with the high price of tuition for flight school. So he thought joining the military where he would get paid while he learns to fly was the best option for him. I once re-wallpapered our kitchen while my parents went on vacation. They came home completely surprised with the new look in the kitchen. There was no family meeting or discussion to any of these events my brother and I unleashed on my parents.
Do you think my parents were understanding of their children's actions? That they were only doing as they learned how to do? That the thoughts behind the actions were to spare them of something undesirable, my brother's being money and mine being the inconvenience of a kitchen out of commission during the makeover? That we always kept the welfare of the family in mind as we made these decisions? That we expected them to appreciate the thoughtfulness behind the deeds as well as recognize them to be benefiting the family as a whole? Hell NO! They were pissed off! They went off on our asses! Talk about mixed messages. I think I know now why I can feel so fucked up inside.
I am presently enjoying a well choreographed democracy in our own family right now. Do you want milk or juice? Tell me what you want instead of whining. I'll get it for you. Let's talk about it. Mike and I talk out everything. He and I will go into why it's a good idea or why it's bad. Usually, I can just sense whether he's being reasonable or he's just plain not ready to give in to me yet. (This is a radar I cultivated growing up in my subliminal messaging home). But I have to tell you, between the two ideologies, I pick individualism. I like it when I don't have to try to figure out what one is thinking or desiring. It's much easier when they tell you. And in that sense, American culture is all about the individual. If you let it be known, someone will not only hear you, but listen as well.
