Looking through the eyes of a go between...

I was called upon to interpret between a birthmom from Korea and an adoptive mother at a dinner at the a-mom's house. Let it be known that this would be my second time interpreting for a reunion, though this time, I was there as the a-mom's liaison. It would be my first time meeting the adoptee, who was 30 years old, married, 8 weeks pregnant with her second child.

A bit of background info...birthmom relinquished 2 of her 3 daughters after her husband's sudden death. The oldest of the 3 remained in Korea with b-mom though she was primarily raised by the maternal grandmother. According to the oldest sister, she had a very difficult life and often blamed her mother and raged at her for not sending her to the U.S. for adoption with her 2 younger siblings. She has the most memories of their earlier lives.

M is the youngest of the 3 daughters and is the one whose a-mom requested me as the interpreter. H is the middle sister who was also adopted but to a family about 3 hours away. She was not present at the dinner. J is the oldest sister who remained in Korea and came to the U.S. with her mother, the b-mom, on this trip to reunite with the 2 adopted sisters.

M moved out of her a-mom's house at the age of 14 to live with her a-dad and stepmom. According to M, her a-mom was a control freak, lacked genuine warmth, and objectified, exoticized her as an Asian child. Even after the dinner, the a-mom asked me to tell the b-mom that she received an incredible "gift" at the expense of her loss and for that she was truly sorry. She also reminded M that she had always encouraged her to utilize her "exoticness" to add to her self-esteem. I was appalled.

I was able to sense the tension between M and her a-mom. They had a very tumultuous relationship. B-mom wept openly as she foraged through the photo album and asked about M's initial adjustment when she arrived as a 3.5 year to the U.S. Needless to say, M described all the classic symptoms of RAD: limp affect, hoarding, hiding, separation anxieties, the overwhelming grief expressed by what a-mom labeled as the "Korean wail," etc. etc.

Somewhere during the dinner, I became more of a go between for M and her b-mom rather than for the a-mom. She and I felt a kinship surrounding our similarly aged sons and agreed to stay in touch for a playdate. I think the newfound relationship between M and her b-mom and sister will be the beginning toward healing and closure. I look forward to connecting with M again...this time as 2 moms of small children who happen to be Korean.