A Letter to My Dear Mother in Law...

Dear Mom:

Please know that there is not a day that goes by without you on my mind. I love and respect you as woman, a mother, a fellow human being, etc. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening your own heart to me. I can see how at ease you are when you are not having to deal with your husband and your 2 sons to tend to. You have an incredible mind and soul which you've so generously shared with me. I am honored and awed...little ol'me, a daughter in law, you welcomed into your heart and home so lovingly that cold winter day in NYC a decade ago. I still remember that moment so clearly.

Spending a week in your home with my children, your grandchildren, must have been hard for you. Yet, you endured our mess, noise and general chaos with good natured grace. Thank you. I worry about the aches and pains you speak of. I realize age must have something to do with it, and I wholeheartedly wish you remain healthy and full of energy always. This is the way I've always pictured you....full of boundless passion and laughter. I don't ever wish to be the reason which causes you stress or undue fatigue.

But on the matter of my children, I need to get something off my chest. You uttered in passing so naturally that H is the "real" grandchild and T, the "fake," roughly translated from Korean. I resent this comment, Mom. It has been festering in my soul since I left NY from our visit. If H's blood relation to us and our family is what makes her "real" then, I feel fooled in believing that you love me like your own daughter as you so openly often professed. I am not related to you or your son by blood and you seem to accept, love and cherish me like your daughter, even bragging about me to your friends and acquaintances. This all becomes a great big act, a sham of a show to put on for others because in your heart you will always deem me as "another's child."

T is not yet 3 years old. He is a child, guiltless of any sins, crimes or misdoings. He is an innocent being who never asked for any of the circumstances in which he is in. He has not had a single say in any of the choices that other adults made which brought him into our home. He is my son and I love him fiercely. As he grows to know his origins he will have many issues to grapple with and he doesn't need a grandmother who sees him as less than "real." If you can't acknowlegde his existence/status in our family as authentic, it will become harder and harder for us to maintain an "authentic" relationship.

I pray and hope you will come to realize the err in your choice of words. And I hope and pray you come to realize what an incredible blessing T is to our whole family. My uncles, aunts and cousins couldn't be more awed and impressed with him. He is the angel we see in EVERY child. He is my little angel and don't you dare discount him in any way shape or form.

Sincerely,
Michelle