The Obligatory Birthday Intercourse

Dear Harriet,

I shall preface this post by first acknowledging that we should have used the lock on our bedroom door. But I am not used to locking that door since I am very much a firm believer of the open door policy. Ever since you and your brother entered our lives, I vowed to keep the doors always open to make sure the two of you never feel unwelcomed or shut out in any way shape or form from my attention. Of course, there is the occasional, "Go away, mommy's on the potty and I don't need you to be in the bathroom with me while you are playing with your DS," but for the most part, you have had free range over every aspect of my life.

Now, you realize, it was daddy's birthday yesterday. And when you entered our bedroom at 6:54am that morning to look for a toy you misplaced mommy was just about to wish daddy a happy birthday. In our still sleepy stupor, we asked you, "What are you looking for?" To which you replied, "My DS." The whole situation was seemingly normal and yet, I am left feeling so unsettled. I am wondering what you saw, whether you are bothered by what you saw, whether this will be another potentially life impacting scar emblazened in your mind, etc. etc.

OK, so nothing was really going on....yet....but once again, this is another milestone I may need to reassess in my own evolution of being a mother. You are 8 years old and Theo is 6. Can I begin to draw some boundaries about our lives that you are not allowed to witness? Can I begin to expect a knock before entering our bedroom even though it is not locked and open? I am torn...I hate putting up walls, drawing borders and delineating rules in our home. I'd like to believe my own two children have their moral compasses so naturally programmed that you would just simply take things in stride, be mindful and respectful of others without my hounding and harassments.

In any case, this is a learning moment for me. I am in an existential quandary about the next step to take in my mothering philosophy. I guess the first step to take is a dialogue with you. Where to begin...what to say...how to explain the whys. I used to be first a mother then a wife but as you and Theo are growing up so nicely and becoming more independent, I think I need to shift that gear into woman, wife then mother. Would that leave you a little sad? Would that seem selfish? Of course, there is always my willingness to shift yet again if the time calls for it. But never fear while I am not working and at home with you, you ARE my first priority. Navigating when you will not be and daddy takes precedence will be an ongoing issue I will need to wrestle with as I grow into this ever changing role as a woman, married with children.

I love you. It is not your problem. It is mine and solely mine to take on. Just continue being the wonderful little girl you are. I miss you already as I imagine you yourself growing into a young lady pretty soon. Stay youthful and carefree for as long as possible.