Birthday Reflections

So I'm 39 today. Mike sent a bouquet of daisies. He is in Singapore right now. My children are quietly coloring in the family room. I've had a visit from my mom in the wee hours of the morning to drop off a gift, a phone call from an adoptive mom to wish me a happy birthday and an email from another mom. I've also gotten a text message from my friend who is driving down to SF after a visit in Oregon. My life is full. I am loved by all the important people in my life.

Then why am I so unsettled? What torments me so? My brother and his selfish wife. They have gone out of their way to ignore, disregard, dismiss any efforts on my part to maintain a relationship with them. I've always tried not only for our sake but for the sake of our children and their only cousins. If anything, I think it's hard for kids when adults have issues they can't come to terms with which therefore messes up their own birthrights to be able to freely socialize with relatives. I've thought about this long and hard. I'm speaking from first hand experience where my own mother made it virtually impossible for me to call, contact, or meet with my cousins just because she had issues with my aunts and uncles.

Even though I may not like my SIL or would choose her to be one of my friends, I do acknowledge that she is the mother of my niece and nephew whom I love very much. And that I would feign civility and comraderie for our children. Why oh why can't she see that? I've even taken the blame for my bitchiness when they came to visit at the end of my pregnancy with H. My mother was visiting as well, and she badmouthed my SIL so much to me that I could not get myself to be welcoming upon her arrival.
After she caused my water to break and thus giving birth a week earlier than anticipated, I wrote her a letter apologizing to her for my behavior. I told her that I was jealous to have my mother's attention focus more on her grandson (her son, my nephew) than on me in my time of need. I told her their visit may have been untimely because I was in my 11th hour of impending birth but it was me who needed to grow up and get over that fact. I think she thought my apology was laughable.

Anyway, on her last visit to Oregon where she and her kids stayed at my parents' place for over 2 months, I got another opportunity to let her know that I am very sorry for any hurtful things I may have said to her in the past. I was teary as I proferred my regret and she was smug. Anyway, it felt good to ask forgiveness and forgive.

Apprently, it wasn't lasting. During my visit to NJ, this past month, she never even called to have me over or allow the kids to have a playday. She never even called to say good bye as we left NJ to return to Oregon to pack for our move to Singapore. It was incredibly enraging. I just about had a conniption. So here I am, thinking things over in my mind and I still find their behavior inexcusable and unforgiveable. Am I being too much???